Endings

I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like this cruel wham.

Sometimes I watch planes fly into the airport (why did they put the airport in my area?!), and I get a little euphoric stomach-squeezing sensation. I think about hugging my family members at the airport, and then I want to cry. But then I can't decide whether the tears are happy or sad. And the word "sad" makes me think of everyone that I'm leaving. How rude. Members remind me at least three times daily that I am leaving, and missionaries pipe a continual funeral dirge. It's confusing. Marvelous and horrible and confusing.

I am OCD-organized., so I find solace in lists. God knows this, so He inspires me with list titles to organize my thoughts into hopeful, pragmatic patterns. This week's lists were thus:

1. Things I Will Miss
2. Things I Look Forward To
3. Things I Am Uncertain About
4. Things That Will Remain The Same

The first two lists were quite expansive. If you are reading this blog, know that you are included in number two. I can't wait to see you!!

Number three was comfortingly short. True, the uncertainties loom large (job, location, schooling, dating, etc), but I couldn't come up with more than a pint-sized paragraph no matter how I tried.

Number four is the best list of all. It speaks of eternal things, and of gratitude for a finer vision than I had 18 months ago. I will still serve. I'll feed the people I love. I will teach. I'll probably still annotate the ward list with colors and details about every member I meet until I know them all.

I will still pray in every soulful, hungering, and delighted token of thanks. I will study scriptures with difficult questions in mind. God will still reveal an answer. And I'll attend church with an other-oriented gaze.

I will still love my family, and I will love Oklahomans too.

I will still be Sister Stewart, though I will go by Jenny on most days.

"There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings. Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity...In His plan, there are no true endings-only everlasting beginnings."
~President Dieter F. Uchdorf